remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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