nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
