Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
