apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
