My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
