I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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