he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize