I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
