There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
