whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
