My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
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