3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
