Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Randomize
