She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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