My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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