I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
