I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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