we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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