You smell like a Billy Joel song
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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