dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
