The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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