I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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