when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
