it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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