TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
