I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Randomize
