hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
