so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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