watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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