Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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