God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
