shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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