I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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