you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
