I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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