Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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