my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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