When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Little spoons don't ask big questions
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
