You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
