I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
