Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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