I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
