After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
