Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
