so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
