How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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