bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
