I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
