So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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