I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My penis needs a shock collar
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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