yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
