I am spending my child support on dildos
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
