life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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