You smell like a Billy Joel song
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Randomize