Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Randomize
