A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
We are all done wearing pants today
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
