Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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