Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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